As an avowed introvert, every now and then I like to re-read “Caring for Your Introvert,” an excellent article by Jonathan Rauch that ran in The Atlantic Monthly a few years ago.
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is “too serious,” or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
Recently in a social situation someone noted that I was being quiet. And after years of people pointing out my quiet nature, you’d think I’d have formulated a snappy response, but no. They might joke, “Gosh, I can’t get a word in edgewise with you, eh?” But in my head I hear, “What’s wrong with you?” All of a sudden I feel helpless, defensive, abnormal; I feel a pressure to perform, to change myself, which sometimes makes me clam up even further. And here is the breakthrough, the divide between me and the extroverts that maybe I’ve overlooked all this time: they’re just making observations or trying to be nice, not necessarily pointing out faults and making judgments. I can’t let myself fall to pieces every time someone makes a comment about it. After this last incident I thought I had let it roll off my back, but later that night I was a mess. I went straight to “Caring for Your Introvert” and calmed down. It’s a good read. Check it out.
8 replies on “Speak”
I can empathize with you as I also tend to be one of those quiet ones. I prefer soft-spoken people to chatter boxes!
Thanks so much for pointing out this article! I’ve printed it out for closer reading. My natural state of being is one of introversion. I’ve always tested as an INFP on the Myers Briggs. For a long time I wondered what was wrong with me. I tried to push myself to be more extroverted, because I thought that’s what got rewarded in our society. Well, it does get rewarded, and it’s highly valued, but it’s way too draining for me. I can be more extroverted when the situation calls for it, when I have to be, but it takes a lot of effort, and I need more time to recharge afterwards. Only in the last couple of years have I moved towards just accepting the way that I am on that level.
Just the Way I Am
I’ve written before about how sometimes it seems like I’m operating on a totally different frequency than most of the people around me. It still seems that way, often, and for the most part I work around it or through it as best I can. Sometimes it’s …
I’m also an INFP, and a relatively strong I at that, and Rauch’s article really hits home, accurately profiling my own feelings and behaviors. As we’ve discussed privately, though, when you and I are together in public, I find that I end up sometimes trying to deflect or shield you from what I know you sometimes take as hurtful comments from others about your seeming reticence, to the point even perhaps of overcompensating, turning into an extravert for the duration. It’s a fascinating dynamic.
The most intriguing part of all this to me, though, is that this is not your orientation or behavior in every situation. When we’re among your own circle of friends (from high school or college, especially), for example, one would never guess that you’re an introvert. I’m still puzzling out the whys and hows of that, wondering whether and at what point other social situtations become similarly less sensitizing for you.
Not that it matters to me, though, as I’ve said again and again, except insofar as I hate to see you unhappy, defensive and self-flagellating on those occasions. But your introverted nature is perfectly natural and normal, and I love it as part of that beautiful mosaic that makes you who you are.
Kudos to you for deciding not to beat yourself up; we should all be so strong. I can second what Thom said, you are plenty lively for the people who love you for being you. *Big Hug*
Yep, that description is so me as well, though I usually test as INFJ, except one time I was split INFJ/INFP…
Maybe I should check out that book.
TK.
Thanks for this, Jeff. It’s very interesting and helpful. In my own case, I’ve never quite been able to figure out the Introvert/Extrovert thing. Best as I can tell, I’m balanced between INTJ/INFJ. I’m very strong on the N and the J and balanced on T/F, but the E/I criterion has varied quite a bit through my life. I’m like my own company and loathe big parties and compulsory socialising and I can get a bit gloomy. Yet I’m an instinctive organiser, love conversation and tend to talk far too much. Maybe it’s to do with the difference between personality and behaviour. There are some things we we train ourselves to do well, even though they don’t come naturally.
Fear not. Introverts have advantages. See my blog.